Every year during Festival, the women of the town would take all the mens’ pants and throw them into a pen with a large alligator. To retrieve his honor and his pants, each man would have to wrestle with the alligator who had his pants (each alligator got one man’s entire pants collection). Adequate padding was used throughout this event to ensure that neither the men nor the alligators were damaged during the contest. “We wouldn’t want to have to come up with the money to replace them,” one woman explained. He who won back the most pants was the most likely to get dates, some said. When questioned, the puzzled alligators said that they didn’t even want the pants in the first place. “We never wear pants,” they said. “And we have no trouble at all getting dates.”
Dance of the Purple Dragon:
This is a dance that was performed once a year to keep naysayers, enemies, and backstabbers at bay. Dancers would go through a six-week purification period in which they were required to say only good things or shut up. They were allowed to eat only roast beef and alfalfa sprouts with onion powder during their purification period. When asked why, a dancer said, “That’s what purple dragons eat”. The dance itself is an all-night affair. Performed on the evening of the Spring Equinox, the dancers must strip and daub themselves with creek clay from a freezing creek. Then they must sprinkle themselves with grasses and pebbles from the surrounding creek bank. A little sand never hurt, either. Once they look thoroughly frightful, then they don their Shrunken Boot Belts (see “Traditional Shrunken Boot Belt”) Slowly, they approach the clearing designated for the dance. As soon as they enter the clearing, they are further purified by being daubed with blueberry preserves. This continues until all dancers are purple. Then they are sprinkled with feathers, also dyed purple. They have, by this time, turned into a fearsome lot, and naysayers would already be trembling in their boots, if they had any boots. But they do not, for those boots are all on the trophy belts. Slowly, the drums begin to beat. BOOMboom BOOMboom BOOMboom. A heartbeat. The dancers slowly begin to sway. The beat picks up. Soon they are all gyrating madly, shrieking, gesticulating, and doing just about anything that makes them feel scary. One by one, the Naysayers leave the area, never to return. BOOMboom BOOMboom BOOM. The beat keeps up until one by one, as dawn approaches, the dancers tire and go to the creek for a dip before retiring. This dance is performed once a year only, and it is considered a great honor to be allowed to participate.
Dying Cockroach Disco
When someone tells a particularly hideous and twisted joke, the proper response is to drop to the ground on one’s back, arms and legs twitching spastically in the air. This activity very much resembles a cockroach that has been sprayed with raid. For this reason, the People unanimously decided that this was the basis for a new dance, which was immediately named the Dying Cockroach Disco. To perform this dance, you must first get a leader who tells a series of twisted stories and jokes. Then everyone drops on their backs on the dance floor, legs and arms twitching to the tune and beat of “Stayin’ Alive, Stayin’ Alive!” It helps if the participants dress in dark brown polyester. Mirror balls made out of Raid cans are optional but recommended.
In olden times, before there were any religions or religious fanatics, there lived a guy named Peri, his wife Helion, and his son Winkle. He was just an ordinary guy, nothing particularly unusual about him. Perfectly normal. Unfortunately, he dwelt in a land where nobody else was normal, so they viewed him as a God. They began to worship him. They paid him homage. They made obeisance. They totally adored the ground he walked on. Peri was a little alarmed. Presently anxiety became a permanent part of His life, as being God just wasn’t something He had been trained for. As a result of His anxiety, He began to hallucinate. His hallucinations took on the form of Obelisks. These figments of His imagination could be seen by some of His more devout worshippers. They worshipped the obelisks just has they had worshipped Peri. They called these figments of Peri’s imagination, “Periments”. The crazed Worshippers were called Perimentalists. And those few Perimentalists who were lucky enough to regain their sanity and carry on with their lives, were called Ex-Perimentalists, which eventually became Experimentalists. To this day, scientists get to use ex-periments (which are deceased Periments which have crumbled from disuse) because they are in fact useful in obtaining very-fiable results, which are better than not-so-very-fiable results, which are a bit harder to put to any use whatsoever.
Someone who donates something to another person to induce pregnancy in that person. For example, suppose Woman 1 receives and hosts a fertilized egg from Woman 2. The egg was fertilized by a man (let’s call him Man 1). To my way of thinking, that makes Woman 1 the Mother (she hosted the little twerp!) and that makes Woman 2 and Man 1 the Fathers, because they both donated to Woman 1. Therefore, some woman out there could be the father of my girlfriend’s Test Tube Baby! Now that would make a good headline in some newspaper. I wonder if discussing this on the Net is prohibited by the new Internet Censorship law! If so, come and GET ME!!! MAKE MY DAY!!
Occasionally, you may encounter an individual whose life is a void. There really is Nothing There. They may have talents and abilities, but the operating system is missing or malfunctioning, so the talents are never put to any regular or lasting use. These hapless individuals must create a reason to exist, a reason to be heard, as it were. Therefore, they use the talents that they were born with to create artistically interesting problems so that they may have the opportunity to examine themselves closely and induce others to examine them also. At regular intervals, they approach you with shining, soulful eyes and an earnest, intense voice, and outline the State of their Lives. They explain in great detail how intensely they feel about themselves (you are never sure why, however). They take great pains to denounce their Past Behavior, and Soulfully promise themselves and you how they will now discipline themselves and fully devote themselves to developing their Shining Talents and Cleansing their Space. They intensely and sensitively acknowledge how their behavior has damaged themselves and their associates, and will promise emotionally how they are Very Near a Breakthrough in their Lives. You glance nervously at your watch, knowing full well that this is a Monumental Waste of Time. You know beyond any doubt that the person who has unfortunately cornered you while you are trying to complete your day’s tasks is a Flake, and that his display of angst is…..: Flake Angst. You leave before any more Precious Time dies a miserable and useless death.
This is a game that is used to chastise adults who don’t properly take care of their children during Pagan gatherings. In this game, a parent who fails to show up for his or her child care shift is captured, bound and immobilized on the ground (no matter how wet and muddy it is) and the children pretend they’re from Lilliput and are allowed to clamber all over this “Gulliver” and do whatever they want short of physical harm! This would include but not be limited to, feathers, peanut butter, King of the Hill, mock burial rituals, etc.
In a human being, insanity is considered to reside in a person whose thoughts are out of control. It could be said that the thoughts of an insane person have developed a free will of their own. The person is no longer in total control of his or her thoughts. Therefore, if we are the manifested thoughts of the Creator, and we have free will, then by this definition the Creator must be quite insane. If, as some say, we created ourselves through our many thoughts and choices, then the Crazy Creator (whose thoughts have free will) becomes the Thoughts themselves. So in the last analysis, we are the Insane Manifestations of the Insane Thoughts of an insane Creator, which is, in fact, the Insane Thought Itself. The question is, do four insanes make one sane?
Jack Booted Thugs of the Apocalypse
Any authority figure who is on the opposite side of the political fence from you. For example, Yasser Arafat, who was once referred to as a terrorist, and who is now called a key diplomat in the peace process, would be called a “Jack Booted Thug of the Apocalypse” by some persons. If you smoke or like to shoot guns or you are a member of the Branch Davidians, then the staff members of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms are Jack Booted Thugs of the Apocalypse. If you are liberal or moderately conservative, then the Nazis, Ku Klux Klan, and religious right wing are Jack Booted Thugs of the Apocalypse. If you practice an alternative religion such as Wicca or if you work at a women’s clinic, then intolerant fundamentalist Christians are Jack Booted Thugs of the Apocalypse. If you are a fundamentalist Christian, then pro-choice persons, Wiccans, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, the ATF, New Agers, and the Music and Entertainment industry are Jack Booted Thugs of the Apocalypse. If you are Jimmy Carter or Salman Rushdie, then fundamentalist Moslems are Jack Booted Thugs of the Apocalypse. In short, everyone is a Jack Booted Thug of the Apocalypse. Except Jack. Jack refuses to wear himself as boots. When questioned, Jack said that he doesn’t like the way wearing himself as boots feels. It’s just not “him.” But then that’s Jack. And chances are, Jack Booted Thugs of the Apocalypse don’t know Jack. Considering they wear the poor fool as boots all the time, they probably should have gotten to know Jack. But alas, all is not always as it should be. Poor Jack.
A rating system by which a non tribe-member is measured. For example, suppose your tribe agrees that it is necessary to execute a serial killer. Your tribe sets a date. They buy the equipment. They hire a priest and an executioner. They rent a town square. Everything is ready. Then suppose that some members of a neighboring tribe swoop down and kill the serial killer. Your Tribe is outraged!! Even though the serial killer was slated for execution, the Swoopers had no right to swoop in like that. The Swoopers would be judged by your tribe to be guilty of murder, because they were not of your tribe and they did not follow the prescribed ritual that you require for these matters. This dichotomy extends to all walks of life. Here are a few examples:
|It’s called this if your Tribe
|It’s called this if your Rival Tribe
|National Security for our Survival||Genocide, Lying, and Wiretapping|
|Wartime Patriotism and Feats of Bravery||Atrocities and War Crimes|
|Compassion for the Poor||Welfare State Sapping Your Pocketbook|
|Safety and Health in the Workplace||Government on the Backs of the People|
|Family Values||Government on the Backs of the People|
|Execution of Criminals||Murder|
|Freedom of Communication||Obscenity|
|Art, Music, and Literature||The End of Western Civilization|
|Western Civilization||Contradiction in Terms|
|Spiritual, Angelic, and Saintly||Fanatic, Dangerous, and Devil-Spawned|
Well, you’ve heard of the term “Big Kahuna” used to describe the big boss at a company. As in, “Now you’re in trouble. You’ll have to answer to the Big Kahuna.” Well, suppose that one day you were asked to work 120 hours of overtime but you were only to be paid for 16 hours. You of course would say, “NO!!!” Then the person who asked you would go over your head to the Big Kahuna.
The Big Kahuna would then call you and say, “Mr. Rialian, you MUST work 120 hours of overtime or else you’re fired!!” At this point you whip out your Kahuna Boat. “It’s time for your Vacation!!! Get In !!!” you command threateningly. The Big Kahuna obeys, thinking that maybe you have a concealed flame-thrower.
Suddenly, the scenery changes and you are no longer in an office, you are on the shore of the Pacific Ocean. You give the Kahuna Boat a little shove, and the tide does the rest. The Big Kahuna sails off into the vast, blue unknown, never to bother you again. What he doesn’t know is that you have aimed the boat at the exact spot where an underwater Volcano erupts regularly.
Sure enough, just as the Kahuna Boat and its cargo pass over the Volcano, it erupts! An Island is then formed where the Kahuna Boat was. And this, my friends, is the true origin of the Hawaiian islands, according to the Bardic Hawaiian Tradition.
This is a term that is applied to all those folks who never had a constructive suggestion in their lives, but are continually saying “Nay” to anyone else’s suggestions. They are not able nor are they willing to do the work it takes to implement their every whim, but they are certainly most willing to make their every whim known to all who will listen. Furthermore, Naysayers are usually in the unfortunate habit of leaving their boots lying around. This gives the rest of the people a golden opportunity, which in the cosmic scheme of things, must not be missed. For more details about this opportunity, please refer to “Traditional Shrunken Boot Belt”.
He dyes his hair black. He wears black. He paints his fingernails black. He wears black lipstick. He wears fake fangs. He thinks he knows everything there is to know about death and the dark forces. But the real dark forces are laughing at the terminal fool. He wouldn’t know death if it landed in his lap, which it often does, due to the process of natural selection. Witness evolution in action. Witness the Necronerd.
We’ve all been through that sensitive time during the dating process… That time when the Touch of Aphrodite first caresses us and we are all atwitter over what our intended prize will think of us. One of the worst things that can happen during this emotionally vulnerable time is for our loved one to notice that we have …. NOSEHAIRS!!!! This is the purpose of the Nosehair Knickerbockers. They are constructed of the sturdiest Alpaca hair. The reason for this is that because nosehairs are made of hair, it is best to match fabrics and use hair to clothe them with. You can apply one knickerbocker to each nosehair, or if your nosehairs are friendly with one another, you can clothe them in groups of ten or so. Once all your nosehairs have been duly divested of their nakedness, you are ready to face the dangers of amorous pursuit with confidence and eloquence.
Pillars of the Community
In ancient Scotland, it was considered a great honor to be sacrificed and have one’s bones placed under the cornerstone (or corner log, as the case may be) of a building under construction. It was believed by some that immortality could only be truly achieved in this manner. Long after your compatriots had gone the way of all flesh, you would still be majestically overlooking the valley in the form of a castle or village hall. Of course, back then, immortality was not as highly prized as it is today, so it was sometimes difficult to find a volunteer.
Around the same epoch, it was also customary to engage in the manly game of “log tossing”, a competitive sport in which the participants would prove their manly worth by throwing a log the size of a telephone pole as far as they could. It was rumored that the size of one’s manhood was directly proportional to the size of the tree trunk one could throw.
During all this, the Rasta Bagpipers would sometimes loiter and play their bagpipes just where a building was supposed to be built. This was admittedly not the brightest thing to do, but then, these were the Rasta Bagpipers, don’t forget (see “Rasta Bagpipers of the Serengeti” to learn of their lore).
“What an opportunity!” exclaimed the log throwers. “We will not only prove our throwing prowess, but our aim as well!!!” With that, they took aim, and where a Rasta Bagpiper had been standing there was a tree trunk!
When the building crew saw this, they could not miss this golden opportunity. They quickly surrounded the place and built a village hall with the tree trunk as the “cornerstone”. That way they saved many steps in their building process! They were quite proud of themselves. Not only had they obtained a free cornerstone, but they had also obtained a perfectly good sacrifice for the cornerstone! Little timesavers like these are what keep building costs down and the homebuyer’s market viable.
Now there was some debate over whether such an honor should be afforded to any of the Rasta Bagpipers, who were considered by many to be good-for-nothing lazy bums. But when questioned, the proponents of this practice said, “The Rasta Bagpipers deserve a chance just like anyone else.” This was the only justification they were willing to give. It is worthy of note that whoever made this sacrifice was then known as a “Pillar of the Community,” which to some, represented quite an elevation in status…
Sometimes, when you are in a particularly ancient village hall, you can still hear some really *bad* bagpipe music. Now you know why.
Not too long ago there was a computer software/hardware expo where one of the features for sale was (believe it) the Talking Condom. A Pseudo Sentient Animate is defined to be an attendee of this conference who actually bought, used and enjoyed these devices. Said devices were known to say, “Merry Christmas, hope you like your Gift.” and “Thank you for your business”. There was no method by which the purchaser could readily determine which talking condom he or she had purchased. Not that it really mattered in the long run. It was a horrible fray. You could hear victims screaming in horror for miles around. Nobody was willing to admit to using these devices, so we were unable to identify the exact moment(s) or intervals when these phrases were usually uttered by the condoms in question.
A psycho who analyzes constantly. Haven’t you ever met one of those people, They cannot enjoy a single day of their lives. All they are capable of doing is analyzing everything. As everyone else is enjoying a beautiful sunny day, a Psychoanalyst will say, “I think this is too much sunlight to achieve the proper outcome of my radio antenna cybernetics experimentation, and therefore, we must develop a cloud generator and deploy it at 37.8 degrees of arc relative to the Zenith, etc. etc.” By the time the Psychoanalyst gets through analyzing the sun, it is sunset and time to analyze the moon.
Rasta Bagpipers of the Serengeti
It is said that the Scots traveled everywhere, including Africa. It is also rumored that some of the lore of Jamaica came from Africa. Therefore, according to the scientific process known intimately by all sociologists, it is logical to assume that there was an exchange of lore between the Rastafarians of Jamaica and the Scots. As a matter of fact, Dreadlocks, the famed hairstyle of the Jamaican Rastafarians, originated with the Scots. The hairstyle, of course, was originally called by its True Name, Redlocks! The use of such items as bongs and waterpipes, sacred to the rastafarian religion, originated with the Scottish Bagpipes. True, bagpipes are usually filled with air to make music, but in those days, who knows what they were filled with?! It is rumored that many a Scot would eat a whole Wildebeeste after a good bagpiping session. The Scots who migrated to the Serengeti and wore Redlocks were known by the affectionate handle of “Rasta Bagppipers of the Serengeti.” Their fame was known far and wide (mostly wide, as they had a tendency to overweight). To this day on the Serengeti, especially during a show on the Discovery Channel, you can still hear the Rasta Bagpipers of the Serengeti, now only ghostly whispers of music on the veldt.
Occasionally one runs across a Dark Dude in a Dark World. Usually, these Dudes manage to come up with a place to live, either by conning someone into supporting them, or by conning someone into giving them a job, a place to stay, and a means of feeling important. Often, such a Dude will live in style for years like this, until the fateful day that his supporters become aware of the fact that they have been Had. When this occurs, the Dude is often forced to find another group of people to rely upon. In the event that the Dude must leave his place of Residence, an etheric Resonance is left behind in the Residence. This Resonance is similar in nature and temperament to the Dude who left the Residence behind. The Resonance of which we speak is known as a Residude.
A venerable institution where the young members of the Tribe learn the accepted ways of the Tribal Elders. In School, the young are taught how each Tribe member is expected to behave and to dress. They are taught which Authority Figures they will have to answer to, if any. Finally, they are presented with learning suitable to their Tribal Level. The young practice what they have learned by displaying to one another how well they know how to do the opposite of what they have learned. The better a youth is capable of portraying precisely the opposite of what he has been taught, the better he proves he has learned it, and his peers are encouraged to reward him by cheering him on, calling him “cool,” and emulating his mode of dress. Tribal Levels and the occupations that are open to each Tribal Level are listed below:
|Trained to stand on corners, look tough, sell illegal items, promote smuggling, and shoot people. Also includes serial killers, bombers, terrorists, disgruntled postal workers, etc., and their apprentices||They are a method of population control. Avoid them and you’ll live to reproduce.|
|Food servers, assembly line people, janitors, landscapers, nurse’s aides, nannies, pizza delivery personnel, copy machine operators, bank tellers, clerks, etc., and their apprentices||Be nice to them or you could starve.|
|Auto mechanics, plumbers, appliance experts, electricians, farmers, computer specialists, accountants, technical writers, statisticians, administrators, supervisors, etc., and their apprentices.||They know their stuff, and you do not, so don’t make them mad….|
|Doctors, Nurses, Social Workers, Disaster Relief Specialists, Physical Therapists, Welfare Workers, Counsellors, Mother Theresa, etc., and their apprentices.||A selfless, devoted lot, but don’t make the mistake of placing yourself at their mercy…|
|Architects, master craftsmen, jewelers, leather workers, artists, writers, poets, musicians, tailors, blacksmiths, silversmiths, metallurgists, printers/typesetters lapidaries, etc., and their apprentices.||They are slowly being replaced by machines. Don’t annoy them…|
|Professors, Governors, CEOs, Law Enforcement agents, Intelligence agents, Scientists, Legislators, Psychologists, Clergy, etc., and their apprentices.||They want to save us. But who will save us from them??……|
|For amusement, they encourage the Authorities to stage complex, intricate contests involving Swamp Things, Law Enforcement agents, Legislators, Clergy, Artisans, and Mysterious Foreign Emissaries.||Pay your taxes on time….|
What you tell everyone to give to people who do the same kinds of things that you:
1. do yourself
2. wish you had the courage to do yourself
3. are afraid you might do during a moment of wild passion
4. are afraid you might do because you secretly know you are as much of a dweeb as they are .
A Team Player is a person who will perform:
1. Any activity for any amount of time;
3. With no sleep or food;
4. Without any notice;
5. Sometimes without pay if “necessary”;
6. No matter what the risk to personal safety or finances;
7. No matter how atrocious the activity is;
8. In the most cost effective and timely manner possible;
9. So long as the activity fulfills the wishes of the Team Leader(s).
Examples of exemplary Team Players include the Branch Davidians, the residents of Jonestown, Rush Limbaugh’s dittoheads, the Manson killers, any military branch of any country, Operation Rescue, the Inquisition, the Crusades, Alex’s Droogs in the first several chapters of A Clockwork Orange, Bonnie of Bonnie and Clyde, most corporate middle management, virtually all gangsters, mobsters and religious fanatics, as well as some dedicated lawyers, journalists, and corporate project staff.
Good Team Players never ask why something should be done. They are only permitted to ask what should be done. The Team Leader sometimes provides justification for an exceptionally horrid assignment. Reasons given by Team Leaders usually include safeguarding and promoting personal, financial, spiritual, and national interests. Team Players never research these reasons or question their accuracy. They heartily embrace any reason that the Team Leader provides. Then they perform the assignment.
Team Players are usually the first to volunteer for unpleasant and physically taxing assignments. At best, Team Leaders reward Team Players with a pat on the back and a few pennies. At worst, the reward is scorn for being stupid enough to volunteer in the first place. Either way, the Team Player is a species that rarely lives long enough to see its progeny multiply. However Team Players do tend to spawn before they expire. This is is unfortunate, as they are the cause of most genocidal atrocities on the face of the planet. And to make matters worse, most of the abovementioned atrocities are not even performed in a timely, cost-effective manner.
Traditional Shrunken Boot Belt
The Traditional Shrunken Boot Belt was used by the Northeastern North American Celtic Aboriginees to scare away would be naysayers. The boots on the belt were generally confiscated from those naysayers unfortunate enough to leave their boots lying around while they said “Nay”. The boots were usually shrunken using a process similar to the process used for shrinking heads. The toes of the boots were then painted with scary faces that often had scowls, fangs, and the like. Traditionally, the belts were worn at the Spring Equinox, during the dreaded “Dance of the Purple Dragon”. Dancers, clad only in their Shrunken Boot Belts and some creek clay, would gyrate and gesticulate wildly, presumably to scare naysayers to death.
Transtemporal Ubiquitous Reciprocal Disrepresentation
This is a rather complex term requiring special attention and definition. First, let us define each individual term:
Transtemporal: Spanning across time.
Ubiquitous: Everywhere. Pervasive. Inundating.
Reciprocal: An eye for an eye.
Disrepresentation: Misrepresentation deliberately misspelled.
Note that the last word is deliberately misspelled so that the Acronym for the phrase will spell TURD, which is the end result.
Now that we’ve defined each term, let us put the phrase together. Transtemporal Ubiquitous Reciprocal Disrepresentation is what happens when several parties continue to communicate misunderstandings back and forth for several weeks or months. What sometimes happens is the following:
Group One is angry. They blow off some steam to their friends. A few days later, Group One cools off. They have been talking to a lot of people, and they’ve decided to make peace with Group Two. But meanwhile, news has traveled back to Group Two that Group One is angry. They do not hear that Group One has cooled off. When Group Two hears that Group One is mad (which they aren’t anymore but nobody knows that) Group Two becomes angry at Group One. Then when Group One calls, Group Two refuses Group One’s overtures of peace. Group One is Outraged. And so it continues until everyone finally gets tired and goes home.